Life... What a Cunt

Life is back to "normal". I am single again and I have to say I am not loving it. I ended a budding relationship that started two weeks ago and yet I still feel empty. I think I let myself get accustom to having someone there all the time and someone I was accountable to. Now that I have me, myself and I to sit with all day, it is kind of boring to say the least.
I do have a ton to look forward to, however. I am consulting with the web designer today about my website. We are working on it tonight. I just got my photos back from the photographer. I can start working like I have wanted to. I am filming for a website in a couple weeks or so. I have a big production set for next month. I am starting a new job. You are all going to see some big changes taking place in the blog and also in me.
Be excited. Be very excited.

Varla, you so fun, guuurl!

Ok, so Trent got me hooked on what seems to me a neo- To Wong Foo, Thanks for Everything!. Though the story lines are a bit... well drastically incomparable, the feel of the movie still reminds me of To Wong Foo, without the dramatic tear jerking moments. My favorite scene from this movie will go down in history as my favorite drag queen scene of all time! Enjoy

Ch-ch-ch-changes

Hello, peeps! So, as most of you already know, I have a new boy in my life. By boy, I mean man. He is quite a bit older than I am and I don't know, yet, how the age difference will play a role in the relationship. By relationship I mean that thing that is kind of just beginning but is so new that it can't possibly constitute as anything. I have always been one to rush new relationships and I am really trying to just take it easy and see where things lead. This confuses me because I don't know if these "things" are "leading" themselves too fast or it is me. I don't know. Frankly, I don't care either. Life is about adventure and excitement. Life is just as much about making mistakes as it is making amazing moves. It is all a gamble. You never know if a risky move will make or break your life. The chance that it could even effect you is part of the allure of taking risks.
I don't know about any of you, but I like to take chances. I take chances with the friends I choose, the jobs I take on, the adventures I go on and the things I buy into. So far I have written a very interesting and intriguing life story. I will continue to do so whether or not everything goes down in shambles or rises up to the height of greatness.
The height of arrogance is the potential depth of destruction. To be humble yet confident in one's self provides endless possibility to take reasonable risks with minimal damage. Relationships are the same way. Being arrogant enough to think that you are enough for one person's satisfaction is going to leave a potentially fatal door open. To take it easy and allow yourself to prove yourself to another person and vise versa is smart and noble.
I think taking things slow is smart. I also, however, like to take risks. Which path do I take? As far as logic is concerned, being safe could be better than being sorry. As far as artistic views of life are concerned, being safe doesn't necessarily guarantee lack of regret. Now I have to figure out what kind of a person I am. Am I one who relies solely upon logic and safety, leaving out any possibility for curves and adventure? Or am I one who wants to treat life as a book and make it the most interesting story ever told? I think.. ER... I know that I am the latter person. I am about to embark on a great adventure. I am taking you along on the whole way. Keep your fingers crossed and your seat belts fastened. It is going to be a roller coaster.

Crazy Week.

This week has been, by any interpretation of the word, crazy. It all started on Monday. Just like any week. My buddy, Jeremy Hall called me and said he was going to be in town for a couple days. I went up to the strip and we hung out, went to dinner and had a good time. It was good to see him before he went clear across on the other side of the country.

So, I came home Tuesday and got a call from CVS Pharmacy. They wanted to call me in for an interview on Wednesday. So, I was really excited about that because then I would have proof of income and I could get my car loan!
So, Wednesday rolls around, I go to the interview. It went great. I got on the bus and headed to the gym. I spent a couple hours working out and came home. The bus line in Las Vegas is so slow. So, going to the gym takes a few hours out of my day. Anyway, I came home as soon as I walked in my room I got a text message from this guy.
I talked to this guy for about a week and he seemed nice enough, so we went on a date on Wednesday night. We went to Starbucks and got some coffee. He was really interesting.
Basically I have seen him everyday since then. We have gone out to dinner, lunch, the gym, and around town. He is so nice.
to be perfectly honest I felt bad about leading him on only to disappoint him by telling him "By the way... I am a porn kid." So, I didn't lead him on and told him right away. At first he told me he couldn't ever be with someone who did that. After a couple days and thinking that that was the final answer I was really broken up. I love my job and I don't think I want to give it up so early in the game. I told him last night that I was having this battle in my mind. We got it all cleared up and basically, he said that we aren't going to let a petty little thing like my career choice extinguish the possibility of making this work.
So, I don't know why I told all of you about this.I guess it is because I really have nobody else to talk to at the moment. The present situation is kind of complicated and tangled up. If I say one thing to a certain person, it will bring up a conversation that I really don't want to face right now. Maybe it won't be as bad as I am thinking it will be.
Anyway... that is why I have been absent from my blog for a few days. I hope you forgive me... until then, muah!

Inferma

Michael Moore is probably the most controversial documentary producer of this day. His new film, Sicko is now out and loud. It documents the flaws and villains of the health care industry. If you watch the film, you can really feel the pain of the people telling their HMO horror stories. It is all very profound and heart wrenching, yes, but the gravity of America's destitute doesn't hit you until you witness something first hand.
Today I took the bus to the gym. At the bus stop I saw a security car pull up to the bus stop. I saw a crying woman put one leg out of the car, pause, and with a shriek of pain she lobbed the other one out of the car. She nudged herself out of the car, doubled over, sobbing. She couldn't walk. Her arm was in a sling. She was wearing a hospital gown and hospital bracelets. She couldn't pay her bill and the hospital kicked her to the curb. Literally. She was delirious and didn't know where she was. She kept asking for a cab, but apparently the hospital was too cheap to pay for one. She wouldn't have gotten home if it wasn't for this wonderful nurse that works at the hospital. She nursed her on the bus and guided her home.
I was so disturbed. Sure, it was sad to see someone who was obviously in need of serious medical attention thrown out like garbage to the curb, but what was more disturbing was that I myself do not have health insurance. If I, God forbid, got in a car crash I would be out of work and I wouldn't be able to pay the hospital bill and I would be thrown to the curb, too. This makes me kind of scared to tell you the truth. I don't want to offend anyone when I say this: but I hate America. I love the America of yesterday. The America that I love takes care of its citizens in time of need. The America I love saves you when you can't save yourself. The America of today doesn't care about its citizens lives, freedoms, nor their pursuit of happiness. The America of today is run by a tyrant government. I wish people would wake up and start a revolution. when will we say enough is enough and stand up for ourselves as human beings? When are we going to turn off the god damned TV and start learning what is going on without the help of lobbying mainstream media? If you don't care about your rights as a human being, then maybe you should care for the rights of those you love. How would you feel if you mother died because of a hospital bill? How would you feel if the IRS repossessioned all of your things because you made a mistake in your tax report? How would you feel if you knew that your children were being brainwashed in the public school system so that they came out prepared to be a drone of the tyrant government? Well, I am quite positive you would be upset. If you didn't you are not human.
I don't mean to throw anyone off guard to make anyone upset... I just want to tell you that I am upset. I am upset and I am sick of people to talking about the fucking elephant in the middle of the room.

Vic B: Jealous Housewife?

I think that anytime "sexy" and "stalker" are put in the same sentence next to each other, the sentence is probably a jealous wife. A jealous wife like, say, perhaps Vic B. It was reported by a British tabloid that a sultry girl evaded through security and made it up to David Beckham's hotel room in the King Edward Hotel in Toronto. Sources reported that the girl was clearly delirious. It is funny that, while most sources said that the girl was clearly a scary stalker type person the source that is closest to Beckham said that the entire story is not true. I am speculating that the "sources" were probably some of the LA Galaxy teammates. You always protect your buddies when they are caught up in scandal or potential scandal. I would like to know this girl even knew what room they were staying in. Maybe she followed them. Have you ever seen a group of guys being followed by a sexy woman, alone? My prediction is that if a group of guys was being followed by a sexy chick, they would probably notice and say hi, or maybe even invite her back to the room for some drinks. That's just my opinion.
I wish I could hire an extra body guard every time I have encounters with strange people. I can't count the number of times I have been scared out of my wits because some old nasty wants to get a piece. Say for instance today. I just found out recently that one of my roommates is an ex porn star. I would say I would keep his identity to myself, but after what I am about to tell you, I am reconsidering being noble. I went out for a walk. He asked me where I was going. I told him, "I'm bored so I am going to go up to the store and burn off some energy." "Bored?", he says,"Well...I have something you can do." I am sure you can all guess what he proposed next. "We can have sex." He was dead serious. I told him no. He begged, "Why not?". Well, that was enough to make me nervous. It isn't like I haven't been approached to have sex by strange guys, but this is my roommate. He is kind of off his rocker a bit. I'm not sure of what he is capable of. Kind of pausing in a subtle sense.
Whether the allegations are factual or fictitious, Vic B isn't taking any chances. She has hired extra bodyguards to keep her hubby safe from the awful competition. This woman is really on a mission. She is damn protective. Remember this clip from when she was hiring a PA?

I can't say that being protective is such an awful trait to have, but like any good thing, you can over execute.

Rocking Beethoven?

Ok.. so I am really eclectic. I have always loved all types of music, but never really pursued certain kinds because of the grand associative punch that comes with some genres. One of those in particularly happens to be classical music. I was bored the other day and this was my inner dialogue:

"Let's download some classical music! No! Prudes listen to Bach and Beethoven and Mozart. You are a non conventionalist. You cannot listen. Wait! This world is full of non conventionality. Part of that is doing what isn't expected from you. But people like you aren't allowed to listen to classical music. People like me? I am a human being..."

Now you know why people call me crazy. They call me crazy because sometimes my inner dialogue comes out in the open. Yes, perhaps I am a bit off kilter. I think listening to classical music on my own without having to do homework on it was sort of like chopping off some of the neuronets in my brain that really keep me captive and only allow me to go so far in life. I think you all know what I am saying. Have you ever wanted to paint but thought that it isn't your place to be painting; maybe to just leave that to people who do that sort of thing. Maybe I am crazy but sometimes I feel like the choir boy who is tied up in this world of sex, money, and drama. Then other times I feel the complete opposite. I sometimes feel like I am the heathen child that escaped from the world of sex, money, and immorality and into the real world of grocery stores, post offices, hourly jobs, bus stops, and living rooms where The View, CNN and Oprah fill the atmosphere religiously. Well, I think there are more non conventionalists in this generation than in any other. Maybe I am wrong but doesn't it seem as thought you see self expression ramp id in shopping malls as well as grocery stores. Does anyone else notice the ironic society that is becoming America? I don't know. There are still the stereotypes. I, on the other hand, see no need or obligation to conformitive thinking or expression. Today I had a long talk with one of my close friends. He made me think and pull back inside myself and really examine the particles of which compile my day to day motivations and urges. Th particles, I found, weren't like anything I had ever seen before. I saw them not as pre-determined or destined, but free and blank. They were just waiting for me to tell them what to do. I found out that I could change their coarse, direction, form, size, quantity and anything else. These particles were my emotions.
Something interesting about emotions is this: they are chemical. They are just as influential, if not more in most cases, as alcohol and drugs. The cells in your body have loading docks built into them so they can receive these chemicals. Just like your body soaks up drugs and alcohol into every cell, so it does your emotions as well. Just as you can get addicted to certain chemical compounds found in drugs, so you can also get addicted to emotions. I realized today as I was examining my emotions, quite harshly I might add, that I was addicted to a certain emotion or cocktail of emotions. I call this deadly concoction The Roller Coaster. I realized today that I look for any and every opportunity to drag my own face in the dirt and then find something to bring me back up into euphoria. If the roller coaster stops, I feel nervous and itching. This has been a problem and was becoming worse as days went on. I decided today that I am going to get detoxify my toxic mind and come out on the other side with a cleaner, fresher perspective. Isn't it funny how life unfolds sometimes?
Anyway... before I went on a rant I was going to show you guys and girls my new favorite song. It is classical. It is amazing.

Hostel II Review

I love me some Eli Roth and I love me some Quentin Tarantino. If it wasn't for the fact that he's so damn gumpy I would have his babies. His last film was amazing. I can't remember if Grinhouse came out before or after Hostel II, but both were amazing. Today I watched both Hostel and the sequel. Both produced and directed by Eli thought I think Q co-directed. I'm not positive. I must say that the first film didn't carry that Quentinessence as much as the second film did. I am not even sure how much he input into this film. Though now that I think about it, it is kind of funny that he sneaked in Pulp Fiction in the background. I didn't even realize that until just this moment. At any rate, I loved Hostel two because Quentin's style really showed through more. I mean, you had the strange contrast of emotion, the creepy ironies, and the sick and twisted humor. The thing about it is that I never even expected the ending, which is what I have come to love about this guy's work. You can never even fathom a Tarantino ending until it bites a chunk right out of your ass, which by this time is hanging off the end of your seat.
If you have not seen the ending I won't ruin it for you. Wait. That's not my nature. If you haven't see the movie, then shame on you deserve to be spoiled. Here is what happens. Girl finds herself the victim to monsters who want to torture her and kill her. She happens to have a client who is walking the fence about his decision to get caught up in such a twisted secret club. He goes back and forth between not wanting to take part in the slashing to treating this girl the way he would want to treat his evil unappreciative wife back home. She toys with his mind until he releases her, puts her on the floor and just about as he goes to take advantage of her, she head bangs him right in the face. She busts out the surveillance camera and ties him to the chair. She ask for the code to the keypad lock on the metal door. She asks him again and when he doesn't answer she shoves a needle in his ear. She puts in something which appears to be false. "It didn't work!" she says. "The door is opening". And with that men barge in and she, pouncing down from a ladder behind them that she so cleverly had time to climb and plan a sneak ambush, nails the man in the head with a brick or something. She screams "Sasha!". The leader of this pain palace comes marching in to find himself in a room with a girl pointing a gun at his face with her other hand holding a pair of scissors to her client's penis surrounded by guards with handguns. "I want to buy myself out of here" she says. They argue for a moment about where she will get the money and if she could even afford it. Then they finally agree, however with a slight twist. Nobody can leave this place unless they kill someone. Those are the terms of these contracts between the clients and the house of pain. She snips of her once to be killer's genitals and rips it off. "Let him bleed to death". She stomps out of the room and the next frame you see her getting the secret club's emblem tattooed on her back. How scandalous!! I know there must be a sequel, otherwise I will be pissed beyond all belief.
If you want to see this favorite scene of mine, click here. It is something you will surely appreciate.
I found it on youtube also. It has some stupid text at the beginning, sorry. But if you are impatient, here you go...


Did you think I would leave you hanging like that for real? Aw, how cute! I also tracked down some interviews and reviews and what not. As Missywould say:ENJOY!!!


WEll! I guess there goes my hopes for a trilogy. Damn you Roth!!

Finally! A Real Politition.

Ok. So I normally don't trust any politician, especially a republican. Every time I have myself against a wall some special person stands out among the heathens and convinces me that it is ok to walk away from my wall, if only with them. That person is Ron Paul. I have not studied up on many other politicians running for presidency in 2008, mainly because they are all faker than margarine. You can buy cheap sticks of pre-measured margarine at any store. Sure, they all have slight differences. Maybe some even taste better than the others, but they are still fake and they all mimic the real thing: butter. Dr. Paul is homemade butter. His passion is remarkably churning compared to the stagnancy of Hilary Clinton. I could go on and on, but I feel a picture is worth a billion words. Here are some video clips of my new favorite guy in the whole world.


If you have not registered to vote for 2008, please don't let this once in a lifetime opportunity to pass us by. Ron Paul is the most genuine man I have ever seen in politics.

Please visit Ron Paul 2008 Dot Com
If you believe in this man as much as I do, get involved, spread the word, start the conversation.

Human Flaws

We all get sick from time to time. The ironic thing is that we never expect to fall ill. I never ever get sick. I guess my body is just telling me that I have dis ease about something. My psychology is all screwed up right now. I need to get this taken care of. I have a philosophy about disease. If you break up the stems of the word you get dis ease. Which means a body, mind, and spirit which is not at ease with itself. One of those three elements cannot bear the whole burden of stress, so when your mind is overwhelmed, your body has to take some of the load. Think about it. When you feel immense pain, you don't care if someone hurt you in the past or that the teller at the bank was rude the day before, you just want to get rid of the pain at hand. I think that is our systems way of relieving some areas of the self when we are too stupid to realize we are damaging our balance. The same goes for the mind taking the workload off the body. I personally laugh hysterically when I feel sudden unexpected pain. When I hit my head or something bites me, I laugh. Endorphins are at the heart of this quirkiness. The mind produces endorphins to counteract the pain.
So, see when we fall sick it is most likely because there is an imbalance in our system. Luckily for me I already know where the imbalance is. It is in two places. One is my mind. It is all screwed up. I am worried about everything under the sun and it feels like time is running out. That is an issue that may have plausible concerns, but most likely can be fixed if I take some initiative and become more proactive. The other is my body. I have not been drinking any water and I have been going out running, literally, errands for three days. I am wearing myself out and I am not taking care of myself the way I need to. So now I see this pandemonium forming, this vicious cycle of balancing. My mind is stressed and it is causing my body to take the burden off my mind. My body is stressed and my mind is trying to take the burden off my body. The good thing about this is that when the mind take the burden something happens that is kind of a miracle of sorts. Endorphins are created to make one feel better. So,in this specific case, my body is taking the burden for my mind, and my mind is taking the burden off my body. So in all actuality my mind is taking the burden of itself. Maybe my theory is wrong, but it makes sense to me.

*photo via wayodd.com

Halloween Costumes!

Halloween is my favorite time of year. I don't particularly love candy all that much, but it is the dressing up that gets me all worked up. It is the time of year when you can literally be anything you want to be. I have been racking my Brain trying to find a costume.I think I found the perfect website to helping me find a wicked cool costume. Last year I was Medusa. Now, this year since I have a hot body to show off I might go with something more sexy and boyish. But if I ever decided to go as a girl again I would definitely wear this...

This is the cutest costume I have ever seen in my life. It is innovative and fresh and my favorite: colorful. But, I do need a boy costume. I was looking through this site,costumecauldron.com and found the perfect costume.

Wouldn't that look funny with me walking around in Los Angeles on Halloween night in a giant alien costume? Haha. I think that is exactly what I am going to do. It will be nothing less than amazing.

If you are still looking for a Halloween costume, go to Costume Cauldron Dot Com and pick one out!

Photoshoot/ Website

Today I had one thing and one thing only on my mind: photo shoot! Today the photographer came by and we took some pictures. Twink boy didn't leave and stayed the night again. His friend never came and got him last night, so twinky boy stayed with me until this morning. And by morning of course, I mean one o'clock in the afternoon. I never sleep in that fucking late. I have no clue why I did this morning. For heaven's sake that is really fucking late to sleep in!! Anywho, I woke up and got in the shower. After I took a shower, I told my friend to find a ride home because I had a ton to do today. So, his friend came and got him. I said goodbye and came back in and got to work!
I first straightened my hair. I think I need a haircut, I don't know. What do you think? I will put a poll up. Anyway, so I noticed that my hair is not working the way it needs to. I did that, cleaned up my room, and had some brunch.
The photographer called and said he was almost here, I gave him directions and he showed up. We set up in my bedroom, which to say the least was a bit cramped with my bed, nightstand, lights, photographer, his assistant and myself. But, we made it work. We had a lot of fun ad laughed pretty much the entire time.
I was kind of nervous because
A.)I had never done a photo shoot on my own off of a
porn set.
B.)I didn't know if the photographer had done xxx
photos before.
C.)I am a perfectionist and was nervous this
opportunity would be wasted because I couldn't be
or have everything just right.
Turns out I had nothing to be nervous about. I loved the photographer and his assistant. They were very nice and creative and open. They helped me pose. They helped me open up with every shot. The actual pictures turned out better than I could have hoped for. We got the candid style that I love and also the professional style that I have always admired. We took a ton of pictures. I felt like I was on America's Next Top Model...the XXX version. LOL

Now that the photo shoot is out of the way, I can get my site started. I am seriously about to burst from excitement. You all are going to love my new site. Fresh. Innovative. Sexy. Intriguing. Those are just some of the words I would use to describe my new site. You all are going to love it.
Well... it has been a long day. I love days like these where I can lay down and sleep feeling like I accomplished something. Goodnight!!

Why Do I...?

As I promised, a tasty story for you all.

This morning I woke up with a twink in my bed. By twink I mean the kind that look not a day older than twelve. Well, this one looks maybe fourteen, I'll give him that much.
So this all started yesterday when my friend pointed out this kid's rentboy profile. The reason he did this was because I thought this kid lived in San Diego, but turns out he lives here in Las Vegas. My friend always makes it a point to prove me wrong always.
so, I emailed this boy...
"Hey, this is Blair. We met down at the Blue Moon Resort a while back. We also saw you at San Diego Pride. I had no idea you lived in Vegas! Call me sometime we should hang out. By the way this isn't a proposition. I am not hiring you as an escort so get that off your head.LOL"

A little while after I sent that he did call me and wanted to hang out that instant. I was taken back by his aggressiveness. I told him maybe we could wait and see. Then, without warning he calls me up at 3:40 this morning wanting to come spend the night. At first I said absolutely not. I don't know this kid very well, and to be quite honest I wasn't interested in him as much in a sexual way as I was in purely friendship.
so, at first my instincts told me no, but then I remembered something. A principle that I have left laying in the dust in the name of logic and reason. The principle that says "Life is a Book- Make it a best seller". I had always acted in life as if I was writing a book about it. Then I stopped. I stopped because life had become more interesting and complicated than I cared to deal with at the time. Now I think I need to return to my old ways of thinking and let things happen.
So, I gave him directions. He strolled up here and came up. He didn't stop talking. He talked himself to sleep. He made me laugh and see another side of life I forgot existed: careless joy. I forgot what it meant to just do things because it seemed fun. Logic would have told me not to let some guy come over and sleep in my bed that I barely knew. But the way I saw him determined to see me was flattering and astonishing. I think I can learn a thing or two from him on how to get what you want. He knew he was coming over here. He made it happen somehow. He got what he wanted. I hope I can start being that way with life and just getting the things I want. You don't get what you don't ask for, right? right.

Vic B. BM. Any correlation? I think so.

Victoria Beckham might be the coolest fucking woman in the world. What isn't to love? She is beautiful, rich, famous and not to mention that glorious hunk of man attached to her arm, David Beckham, world famous soccer star. She is coming to America and she has a reality show to track every moment. I watched the first episode today and I felt like I was watching myself in a dress. What I mean by that is that Vic B and I share a few brain waves. That could just be me, but I get her bitchiness and find it quite hilarious. She is just misunderstood. Just like me. But in the end, it is all entertaining nonetheless.
Victoria Beckham Coming to America
Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

Part 4

Part 5

In Deep: An Update.

Ok, friends and foes alike. This is the point in time in which I disclose my life and what is going on. I rarely do this, but I think I have a few things to talk about that may give some insight and 'spice' into this stagnant blog.
First things first: plans... conniving, scheming plans! Just kidding. My plans for starting my website are as follows: get pictures taken, give them to my web designer, get the site up and going before the summer is over. Hopefully next week this rock will start rolling and stop collecting moss.
Second:work. Tomorrow I have an interview for a real job at Walgreen's. I am not getting this job for money, though it will help to have a little extra cash in my pocket. The reason I am getting this job is because to be quite honest, I am bored. I need some human interaction. Also, I need to get a car and saving up just seems like a never ending road. I can get a car loan if I have proof of income. People who approve loans don't get the concept of freelance. So, I have to get a regular day job to pacify the little cunts in the loan department.
I think that is pretty much life right now. The parts that I think are interesting and impersonal enough to throw in here...lol. Loves yous!!!