Painting and its inspiration

I love art as I have said before. I just don't think you know how much. Last night I started my canvas painting. I laid down the base first and was going to wait until today to finish it. I am glad I didn't wait. I started listening to Delerium and their song "Innocente" and had a rush of inspiration. Here is the painting and its inspiration. I took the pic with my camera phone, so please forgive the quality. And it is angled. If you look at it, the yellow bars are to be on top. they point vertical instead of horizontal. Well... enjoy.

Dreams. They can make the world look rosie.

Last night I had a dream that I found my long lost daddy. Daddy was rich and it was my birthday. The night before my birthday I looked outside and saw a smeitruck drop off a yellow Jeep in my yard. The next day I found out that Daddy boght it for me. It felt so real and I am glad that my dream allowed me to use the power of attraction to my benifit. Granted, I want a yellow Jeep.

I did want a yellow jeep until I started seeing those blue toyotas around town. They are so sweet. I want one, but I thik I have already placed high priority on my yellow Jeep. It would by kind of silly to stop in the middle of the process and switch car choices. Though it may be smart. I don't know. Time will tell which car I will have.

So, I am rearrangin life and the universe to be able to have either one of these two cars. Hopefully everything works out as I have planned. Well, if it doesn't work out how I see it, it will work out the way the universe sees it. So I am not worried at all. Everything will come together.

Mind cleared. Body washed. Heart replenished.

Once in a while you have those times when you mind body and spirit collide in a magical array of clarity. For me it happened today. After a long spell of vulnerability ,that I admit I caused for myself, I finally could see the world as it really is. I finally understand that people are people. I realized that I have been doing things and saying things that hurt people. I realized today that I have been looking for someone else to tell me that my life is important and that I am in control of it. You know, if you really believe in yourself, you can't wait around for someone else to tell you that you are capable of achieving your dreams. You already know you are capable, otherwise you wouldn't dream in the first place. I think what I was looking for was permission to move forward.

I grew up clinging to permission as the answer to whether something was right or wrong or worthwhile or important. A friend told me while I was in San Diego, wallowing in self-abuse and depression, to give it all up. That I am an adult now. He told me that the only thing that matters is that I have confidence in myself. Everyone around me already does have confidence in me. I could have the world cheering me on, but if I believe I will sink when I try to walk on water, all the cheering in the world is going to convince me to step off the boat. Now I can see that the water in front of me is nothing but an illusion. Everyone else knew it but me. I had been taught to think that walking on water was reserved for God. Now I see people walking on water all around me and I know I can do it, too. I knew I could do it ever since I was a child.

I bought a bunch of detox materials today. I wrung up a $90 bill at Vitamin World. It is a steep price for clarity, but I think today proved that I am in the perfect frame of mind to go through with it. Maybe it was this weekend that set me right. Maybe it was the heat today and being around some good friends that set me right. Maybe it was just a combination of the last three days. I think so. We will see and time will tell if today's epitome really transformed me the way I feel like it did.

Lessons Learned... The Shane's World sham

So. Sometimes you plan for things and everything looks amazing and people tell you that it is going to be amazing. You have a bad feeling about it but something or someone tells you that it will all be ok. Maybe it is the money. Or maybe perhaps the publicity promised. Maybe it is the people you will get to do the whole thing with. Any of those reasons are all poor attempts at rationalization. I say poor attempts because even with all the factors pointing to yes you can come up with on your own they do not stand a chance against the gnashing you feel in your teeth and the clenching of your skin and bones to just stay put because all the while you are telling yourself yes, your heart is telling you no.

That is what happened this weekend. Sometimes people have inovative ideas. Sometimes people just jump the gun based off pure instinct. Sometimes even inspiration plays a part. It is said that to do the same thing over and over, expecting different results is literally the definition of insanity. If you have an inovative idea and it fails miserably, you are insane to do it again and expect a different result. When you pull other people into your insane structure of business, it can get pretty ugly when it fails yet again, quite expectedly by everyone. Everyone, that is, with the same heart wrenching feeling wanting to just say no, but say yes because of a little devil I like to call optibenefitism. The things we do that we know are insane but have optimism about doing them because if they actually, by a miracle from above, worked they would benifit us exceedingly above the risks. Like, for instance, gambling.

I am not going to mention names or specific events. But I will sa this. I hope everyone involved in this porn disaster learned a few things. One: you can't stick a straight formula into a gat equation. What horny straight guys are willing to do for nothing, gay men wouldn't think about doing. Gay men are a bit more cultured and refined than striaght frat boys in most cases. Two: contracts contracts contracts. Make sure you know what the fuck you are siging before you sign it. People like to be tricky and staple shit loads of papers into a standard model release form to cover their ass and make yours feel happy granted everything goes right and you have no reason to suspect. I like to think that people wouldn't screw me over, but you can never be sure. Expect the worst and prepare for hell. When it does come you will be glad you did. Three: be professional at all times. When things do go wrong, don't start drama. Dont make a scene and start crying. Especially if it is your fault and everyone is angry at you to begin with. Whe you start crying it makes you look like a jackass and nobody is ever going to want to work with you again.Four: I would like to believe that companies would be professional enough to know they made a mistake and take their losses with some dignity and their reputation still intact. But, this is the porn industry we are talking about. The money that is made here is made from spreading dignity wide the open, fucking the shit out of it, chewing it up, spitting it back into a blender, making puree and slapping it into a box and sending it to America for $39.95 a pop. These are the people I would expect, optibenefititiously, to be professional enough to admit they were wrong, take their losses... ALL their losses and wash their hands clean with their "dignity" still in one piece and in one place. But, some people just do not get the power of family. Yes, family. Adult performers, despite their catiness towards each other sometimes and their various directions of interest, stick together when push comes to shove. Or jip comes to abandon in this particular case. We help each other fight for what is rightfully ours. We don't keep our mouths shut and if companies like to spread their dignity wide open, then we will fuck the shit out of it, chew it up, blend it into a deuchbag milkshake and spoon feed it to the gay world. All, with OUR dignity still in one piece and in one place, because we already learned not to be taken advantage of and we can read company employees and head honchos like a mother fucking book. That is what you ar hiring when you hire a porn star: someone who has been around the block and already saw you along the way far before you ever thought about buying a camera or light.

I have said it before and I will mention it now in the realm of relevancy and to-do-with. I want to start an adult flimworkers union. I think that is what we need now. Evolve! It is the right time. I am sick of being surprised on set by some bitch thinking they are dealing with a prostitute or newbie. I am sick of seeing my friends miserable because they just got screwed over and have to make a living off of false notions and marshmallows and "wish it could have worked out". Wake up, baby! Stop sucking your thumb pretending that people are good natured in this business. Stop thinking that you have to suck anyone but your scene partner's ass. Why do you think they call you a porn... what is it again? STAR! You are the mother fucking star so start acting like it. Push overs don't stand a chance walking on this tight rope of an industry. You either stand up, focus and move forward, stopping your momentum for nobody, or you become a push over and, well, get pushed over, into shark infested waters, never to be seen or heard from again. Sure, some of these push overs will become wash ups (stars who used to be but aren't anymore and linger like an ugly one night stand in the morning), but only to be carried back out to sea and die and be eaten some more.

Lessons learned? I hope so.

Fashion meets TSA

I am flying somehwere this morning and when I was putting my outfit together this morning, one piece of my wardrobe made me a little nervous to wear. I wore it anyway because I knew that the razor was fake and that the blood was fake also.

I decided to wear my Kate Moss Bloody Razor by Onch. I learned that TSA is more uptight than Queen Elizabeth in at a Lover's Lane party. Not that that is a bad thing. I am glad that I get treated like a terrorist every couple of weeks. It adds some spice to my life. It makes me especially as happy when I make sure I don't carry anything like liquids or razors in my carry on, only for them to thank me by losing my check-in luggage. Bliss. I think that is the word one uses to express the feeling I have right now; utterly joyful and proud beyond all measure.

I wonder if Kate Moss ever got harrassed by TSA personnell when she is traveling. You know that woman has pills, razors, liquids unimaginable. I wonder what some people do when they travel. Awlays have. I have strange, and a bit annoying travel habbits to my friends. I always make sure that I have the specific kind of toner, moisturizer, deoderant, toothpaste, hair product, and shoes. I just know that these things make me look my best. When I realized that checking a bag is not a smart thing to do anymore, I started packing everything very carefully. Last trip I took I didn't pack any of my necessities and I looked horribleand felt horrible the whole time. I was a bitch and it caused mood swings. I am a fragile person deep, deep, deep, deep down. I have few weaknesses, but the ones I do have seem to break me when they are provoked.

My fashion is, evidentally, a weakness for me. Wearing my crazy necklace and being harrassed by TSA felt like it was worth lookin good when I step off the plane. I should really fix that. I mean, what if ammo belts or chains become fashionable? (please god, I am not suggesting that they do. Eww!!) I need to reevaluate this issue. If anyone sees me wearing something questionable to the airport, please save me from myself!!! I rationalize the irrationable. I mean, honestly! I rationolize being naked for the world to see. If you can rationolize that, then the little things like wearing a razor blade necklace through checkpoint seems rational.

Ah. Life's little lessons.

Save Darfur. Stop the Genocide.

Some background information...
*taken from savedarfur.org
Background



Sudan is the largest country in Africa, located just south of Egypt on the eastern edge of the Sahara desert. The country’s major economic resource is oil. But, as in other developing countries with oil, this resource is not being developed for the benefit of the Sudanese people, but instead, for an elite few in the government and society. As much as 70 percent of Sudan’s oil export revenues are used to finance the country’s military.



Darfur, an area about the size of Texas, lies in western Sudan and borders Libya, Chad and the Central African Republic. It has only the most basic infrastructure or development. The approximately 6 million inhabitants of Darfur are among the poorest in Africa. They exist largely on either subsistence farming or nomadic herding. Even in good times, the Darfuri people face a very harsh and difficult life; these are not good times in Darfur.



The current crisis in Darfur began in 2003. After decades of neglect, drought, oppression and small-scale conflicts in Darfur, two rebel groups – the Sudanese Liberation Army/Movement (SLA/M) and the Justice and Equality Movement (JEM) – mounted a challenge to Sudan’s president, Omar al-Bashir. These groups represent agrarian farmers who are mostly non-Arab black African Muslims from a number of different tribes. President al-Bashir’s response was brutal. In seeking to defeat the rebel movements, the Government of Sudan increased arms and support to local tribal and other militias, which have come to be known as the Janjaweed. Their members are composed mostly of Arab black African Muslims who herd cattle, camels, and other livestock. They have wiped out entire villages, destroyed food and water supplies, and systematically murdered, tortured, and raped hundreds of thousands of Darfurians. These attacks occur with the direct support of the Government of Sudan’s armed forces.



No portion of Darfur’s civilian population has been spared violence, murder, rape and torture. As one illustration of how Khartoum has waged its war, the Sudanese military paints many of its attack aircraft white – the same color as UN humanitarian aircraft – a violation of international humanitarian law. When a plane approaches, villagers do not know whether it is on a mission to help them, or to bomb them. Often, it has been the latter.



This scorched earth campaign by the Sudanese government against Darfur’s sedentary farming population has, by direct violence, disease and starvation, already claimed as many as 400,000 lives. It has crossed over into neighboring Chad and the Central African Republic. In all, about 2.3 million Darfuris have fled their homes and communities and now reside in a network of internally displaced persons (IDP) camps in Darfur, with at least 200,000 more living in refugee camps in Chad. These refugees and IDPs are completely dependent on the United Nations and other humanitarian organizations for their very livelihood – food, water, shelter, and health care.



Another 1 million Darfuris still live in their villages, under the constant threat of bombings, raids, murder, rape and torture. Their safety depends on the presence of the underfunded and undermanned African Union (AU) peacekeeping force, numbering just 7,400 troops and personnel. However, the so-called “AMIS” force, in Darfur since October 2004, lacks a civilian protection mandate as well as adequate means to do stop the violence; its sole mandate is to monitor and report ceasefire violations and it has done little more, due to its limited mandate but also because of its anemic capacity.



Current Humanitarian Situation



The situation on the ground is deteriorating. The regime continues its military operations directly and via the Janjaweed. In recent weeks, there has been an increase in attacks, resulting in tens of thousands of new arrivals to the many IDP and refugee camps.

Visitors to these camps, including from the Save Darfur Coalition, have reported on the dire conditions their inhabitants endure. It is remarkable they have survived for this long, in the face of such overwhelming hardship, and with so little progress toward resolving the underlying cause of their dislocation and insecurity. Only the herculean efforts of the UN and non-governmental humanitarian relief agencies have made this possible. They have 13,000 aid workers in 100 refugee camps in Darfur and Chad, working in very difficult security and logistical conditions, and constantly hampered and harassed by Sudanese government obstruction and red tape.



Humanitarian workers and operations are increasingly being targeted by both government and fragmenting rebel movement elements. Vehicles are being hijacked and robbed; aid workers are assaulted and intimidated while carrying out their work; and offices are broken into and looted.



In the first two months of 2007, according to the UN, over 80,000 more people entered into the IDP camps, fleeing the ongoing violence. Both the UN and non-governmental humanitarian agencies have warned that their ability to sustain operations is at risk in the face of government harassment and worsening security problems. Any interruption in the flow of humanitarian aid could spark deaths on a scale even worse than that seen to date: UN officials say that the death rate in Darfur could rise as high as 100,000 people per month if the fragile humanitarian life-support system collapses.



U.S. and International Diplomatic Efforts



U.S. Actions



The human suffering in Darfur continues despite the fact that the United States Congress, President Bush, and two U.S. Secretaries of State, have all labeled Darfur a genocide – the first time in U.S. history that a conflict has been labeled as such while it was still going on.



The U.S. government has failed to engage in a sustained and coherent manner to address and lead international resolution of this genocide. President Bush has given tough speeches, Congress has passed legislation authorizing stringent sanctions targeted at Sudan’s leadership, and the Administration (usually only after Congress has insisted) has provided significant – though still insufficient and sporadic – funding for humanitarian aid and peacekeeping.



On April 18, 2007, President Bush stated that he was tired of Sudanese obfuscation and evasion as it pursued its genocide; he demanded prompt action by Sudan’s President al-Bashir to end the genocide and cooperate with international demands that he admit UN peacekeepers to Darfur and cease obstructing humanitarian aid. The President warned that he had decided that the U.S. would impose unilateral targeted economic sanctions on the Sudanese regime and work for the same globally in the UN Security Council. On May 29, 2007, President Bush announced the implementation of said sanctions against Sudan.




While the U.S. is also a major funder for both AU peacekeeping and humanitarian aid efforts in Darfur, the actual costs related to Darfur have often outpaced the projections due to the changing nature and scope of the crisis, creating dangerous gaps in funding and the need for frequent emergency measures to address the shortfalls. Within the President’s proposed budget for Fiscal Year 2008, there is a projected $186 million shortfall for Darfur peacekeeping, and a $6 billion shortfall for America’s core humanitarian assistance. If these gaps are not addressed, the impact to international peacekeeping and aid efforts could negatively affect millions of Darfuris.

©2007 SaveDarfur.org
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There is so much that we can do as American citizens and as humans in general to pull together the community you live in and the global community as a whole. This is not something you can just think about in your spare time. It isn't on the same scale as walking an old lady across the street or putting change in the homeless bum's cup on the corner. This is so important. What if it was you and your family being tormented, raped, killed, burned, and extinguished all the while staring people right in the face, screaming for help, and seeing them blatantly ignore you?

Here are some things you can do...
-Sign the petition to urging President Bush and the UN Secratary-General to take emmediate and direct action to stop the killing
-Make a tax-deductible donation of any size.
-Lobby congress to take action
-Generate press coverage
-Educate others about this morbid tradgedy.
-Find a local Darfur-related event or start your own.
-Don't be against genocide. But, rather, be for peace and life. What you resist persists.
-Start the conversation. Awareness is key. You can change the world by provoking the right person to take action. You never know that the next person you talk to is going to help out in a huge way unless you try. This is a critical, global issue. Let your guard down and talk to people about this.
-Other than making a donation, lobbying congress, generating press coverage, and talking to people. If you are in a position to do something innovative that will make a great impact, just do it. The world needs you.


Those are some things you can do to make an impact. I made a donation this morning, and it didn't break me, thought I wish I could have given more. I also signed the petition and sent emails to some of my friends about signing it also. It isn't hard, and it makes a difference.

I have so much rage against President Bush. Yes, he invaded a country based on false allegations and weak, turning out to be false, leads. Yes, he has put the U.S. into economical turmoil. Yes, he is the worst president in history. I consider that all minuet compared to his lack of action in Darfur. Sudan won't allow peacekeepers and U.S. aid into Darfur. Hmm... no shit! Do you think Iraq gave us permission to invade their country? I don't think so. It was war. But, since Omar al-Bashir didn't kill any American citizens, who cares? How upset does that make you? We can invade nations that we have no business invading for ultra-benefit, but when there is a blatant and technical genocide going on in a small region in Africa, that is when we decide to start obeying monsters? This is the most ludicrous thing I have ever seen in my life. It seems to me a simple solution: get these refugees to a neighboring ally nation and then kill Bashir and his dogs that are raping little girls and burning their mothers and fathers.

Four years and nobody has done a damn thing about it. What are you going to do? This is not an impossible thing to do. Do you know how many people are in Darfur? A mere six million. Do you know how many people are living in America? 302,325,232. Over 5 times as many people in Darfur, which is the size of Texas.

As I said in a previous post, money is not the issue. The earth has the recourses to supply these people with food and shelter. The issue is motivation. Why are we still wasting out time in Iraq and so adamant about staying there and "finishing the job" when there is a human tragedy that needs immediate attention? Hmm... What is the barrier stopping this genocides extermination? Logic serves no purpose in answering this question. I just hope someone can figure it out and do something valid and efficient. I can make my donations, spread awareness, but world leaders are the ones who are really going to stop this. Let's make them wish they had done it earlier. Let us be in their face. I know that to some of you this doesn't seem important because it doesn't affect you directly. But think of this: we are all one. From the first humans until now, we are all connected in some way. These are our brothers and sisters and grandmothers and fathers dying over there. Save them.

Saying Goodnight. A Trip to the Stars

It is so funny the timing of me coming across this story. Last night Ben and I were on our way to the gym and I mentioned something about how it seems as though anyone who has fame and success is either eccentric, crazy, or both. The first person who popped in my head, and probably yours, too, was Tom Cruise. What a FA-REAK!!! I said to Ben, “You know, every time I see Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes together at big events and things, all I can picture is that she is wearing a belt with a built in shock device under her clothes and that Tom is hiding the remote in his pocket.
See what I mean. Look at where his hand is. And Katie's half-witted smile tells me that this notion may not be far from the truth. He is probably zapping her at that very moment.

Anyway... back to why I brought this up in the first place. Unlike the terribly boring Britney story I blogged about yesterday I think it was, this story actually had some meat to it. Something I could gnaw(that is a technical term) on while I dream tonight.

Our buddy, Tom is a freakazoid to say the least. And, before you go and blame it on the lens flare and all the fame and success, because we know how stressful it is to have your bank account get below a quadrillion dollars, think about the fact that this dude has been practicing in a bizarre cult for a few years. Someone else I know studies Scientology, also. I won't say anything out of respect for this person. But They are quite the eccentric, some may say, crazy character also. But not anywhere close to the crazy-choke-miss-Operah-on-her-own-show-during-prime-time-television-crazy, so don't worry.

Out friend, Tommy, as I am reading, was going to be banned from filming in Germany because of his so called "religious" beliefs. The U.S State Department said that Germany, if officials followed through on their ban, would be committing employment discrimination against scientologists. They backed down, but only by keeping their loopholes in place so they could still say, “Sorry, Crazy, you scare us... go away".

Germany has some bad tiffs with Tom Cruise. Even its own citizens boycotted the Mission: Impossible because of his wacko beliefs. I am sorry. I didn't mean to say "wacko". What I meant to say(maybe this being more PC)his questionable and controversial beliefs cause quite a stir.

People take religion, specifically the one they follow, very seriously. More times than not they take it gravely serious. People in the middle east are dying because of religious disagreements. Quite frankly, I don't want to get into all of this right now. I will save it for another day. Just know this: I believe that we are all searching for the truth. We weren't greeted by God when we slugged out of our mothers' vaginal canal, so how the fuck are we all supposed to have it all figured out. And how can people be so arrogant to think that THEY are the ones with every answer to every question about God that was ever asked or will be asked? It baffles me. BUT!!! For another day... very soon.

And this was Saying Goodnight. A Trip to the Stars

To Haters: I love you, too.

So, my video went up on Randy Blue Tuesday. I know you are probably getting sick of hearing about this. But I just have a couple things to say.

The video and pictures spread around to different blogs and people left their comments on what they thought about it on these blogs. Some of the comments made me blush with happiness while others almost made me cry. I am not going to reiterate the nasty comments, because that is just adding fuel to the fire. I got through with reading these comments and I had a stir of emotions. Mostly, I felt bad. But, then like a wave of clarity, I began to have an epitome; a flood of realization. If people are taking enough time and effort to talk smack, then I must have done something right. People who are eccentric, beautiful, different, intriguing, successful, and give people something to talk about usually do receive just that: people talking. I am quite flattered. I didn't expect to see such a stir from people. Now, I know it wasn't some huge epic wave of interest, but it isn't a bad start I say.

With that said, I continue to my next topic. Haters: you are putting me in a better position for fame and success, so keep talking shit. Keep the clever(and I do mean clever. "Clay Aiken's little sister","Brent Corrigan's 12 year old brother","The little girl from Halloween 4"{that was probably my favorite one},” too chubby to be a twink","a rabbit","tweezed eyebrows and make-up... barf!!"{for the record: I do not pluck my eyebrows, if you would prefer me to look like Burt or Ernie, say so and I will glob some Rogaine on my forehead}.) comments coming. To the people who stated their appreciation: thanks so much. I am here to entertain you. If I pleased someone, then I accomplished my goal. And, from the surge of fan mail I received so far, I would say I did well over accomplish my goal.

Thank you all for the love and support. Thank you all for the shit talk, it makes me laugh, and that is a rare feet to achieve. I have a sick, and I do mean SICK sense of humor.

Love always, B

Leave her alone!!! More Britney hating news

I am so sick of people bashing celebrities and trying to pry into their lives. I recently read something on TMZ.com about miss Britney Spears that made me sort of angry. Basically, they took up some wasted space on the internet just to tell everyone that she was at a gas station and that she was wearing no bra and an ammo belt. Who the fuck cares? I know. Fat ugly bitches who want to feel better about their nasty selves by trashing people who thy know look, sound, and dress better than them.
Get over it, people. So, Britney is human. OH NO!!! Did I let out the big secret? Let's face it, we all want celebrity dirt once in a while. America loves scandal. People love it so much, even that they will go after fake scandal, created by retarded journalists who really are lazy in scouting out the real dirt about celebrities. I love to read about real dirt. This article is, sadly, fake dirt. It is like when you order something online and it gets to you and it is made out of cheap plastic instead of glass like they said it was. Sorry. I am reminiscing about the onch I orders online. Not that their jewelry isn't amazing and beautiful. It just wasn't what I expected. Just like people who read the tabloids. When we read the words,” EXCLUSIVE" and "BREAKING NEWS" we expect to find something with a little more poise and written with a little more canny style. Britney Spears stopping at a gas station to piss is not news. She has done it many a time. Remember the infamous photo of her walking out of a public restroom barefoot? Even that, in all its witty paparazzi glamour, was more astute than this terrible story. One story that actually has some meat to it is the story about Nicole being pregnant.
Not only is she pregnant, but she is going to trial tomorrow, July 11th for DUI charges. No judge is going to send a pregnant woman to jail. Smart move, Nicole. Why didn't Paris think of that? What will probably happen is this: Nicole will be sentenced and the day she is fit and able to go to jail, she will. But, while she is pregnant, I am sure the judge will delay her punishment.
That is a good story. That is a juicy one. The latter Britney "story" was kind of lame. What is it about people, specifically Americans, that make them feel the need to feed off of every little squirt of life that celebrities bust out with? So, people get pregnant. People go to grocery stores. People wear ugly clothing when they are on road trips. Give it a fucking break. I am happy and grateful to be living in such a colorful society, but for god sakes! I have met lots of celebrities and I will tell you this: they are no different than you or I. They breath the same air you do. They eat the same food you do and their shit still smells horrible. Not that I know from experience, but it is a fact. I think the only people who really think of celebrities as gods are those who have low self esteem and those people whose minds are closed off to thinking for themselves. Ergo, the media tells them that celebrities are untouchable beings from another planet, and people believe it! Wake up. This is life. We all breath, eat, shit and die. That is just reality. There is no such thing as celebreality and REAL reality. It is all the same.

Ok! that was my little venting time for the day. Hope it fed your appetites. Stay tuned for dessert!

Proof this shit actually works!!!

So, I don't know if any of you remember this, but a few weeks back I created a "Wish Board". It was a collage filled with all the things I wanted to attract into my life. Well, it has only been a couple weeks since I made that and already things are looking up. Tomorrow my video for Randy Blue debuts, which means more interviews and web reviews. I am adding that to my resume and higher paying jobs are lining up for me. My website is going up soon. I am actually, as I type this, sketching out my blog layout. I have someone right now who I am getting to know very well, and what I am noticing is that this person may become the love that I have been searching for. Maybe not, but hey, this is something I didn't have a month ago is it? Life is not some remote destination somewhere. It is here. It is now. I do not like; err; I detest the phrase,"Thing take Time". ?Como se dice: BULLSHIT? I am not saying that "Rome was built in a day". But what I am saying is that it could have been. Call me a crazy new-age lunatic if you like, but look at how far this has taken me. You cannot justify your accusations with the evidence. The evidence is so strongly affirmative to everything I believe, it is kind of hard not to stop and think that maybe I am right. So, anyway.. a little picture for inspiration. I have been looking at this necklace for months and months wanting to have it. I finally have it. I posted a picture of the necklace on my wish board a few weeks ago. Now I have it. Here is a picture of me wearing it.

Now, I know this isn't all that awe inspiring, jaw dropping, or much of something to stir up feelings of an epitomy, but it was just a little test. I am going to try and take pictures of all the material things I wanted on that board and post those. And Whenever I get a large collection of interviews and web mentions, I will be sure and let you know all of that also, just to prove that my way of thinking is not scewed, flawed, crazed, or battered. It is whole and it is a determinent force to what I have in my life and what I will acquire in my life in the near future. Goodnight, peeps.

Love always, B

America's Evolving Mind.

So, mark your calenders, people. I have two things to tell you that are happening on Tuesday. One, of course is my Randy Blue Video Debut. The other is Bravo Network is going to show highlights of the GAYVN hosting experience of Kathy Griffin!

Let me just say this: First of all, Kathy was fucking hilarious during the GAYVN show. I loved her all along, but that night she proved herself to be everything I expected and more. I was fortunate enough to be able to attend the GAYVN awards show in February at the Castro Theatre in San Fransisco. It was an experience I am not soon to forget. Of course, nobody knew who I was and I didn't really know anyone there, either. It was just a peek into what I am to expect coming my way next year. Maybe they will hold the awards someplace cool like Las Vegas or New York City or maybe even San Diego. Anyway, it was a great time.

Let me talk about American society for a minute. We are, slowly but surely evolving into people who can actually think. I know, the evidence is overwhelmingly against that notion, but hear me out. In the eighties and nineties Madonna was persecuted for her take on sexuality. Her music video, "Justify My Love", was banned in the U.S. and mothers told their daighters that Madonna was the epitomy of sin.

Now, look at her. She has literally taken over the fucking globe with her inovative art and music. She opened the door for sexuality to be not only ok, but encouraged in the media. I think the only people who really have a problem with it are those who know nothing about it. They see someone beautiful having a good time and expressing their sexuality in an open and honest way and they get jealous, scared, or plain just don't know how to take it.

Look at America at the time when Madonna's video was banned and now look at where we are today. No more than 15 years later a major television network is broadcasting segments from a Gay porn awards show. Amazing. Simply amazing. The human mind is a powerful thing. It is powerful because it can grow and mold and become something different. America's mind is at potential right now, if we allow it to, to become the most powerful intilectual, artistic, creative power on the planet. We are slowly progressing forward. I am looking forward to the day when people are truly FREE in the "land of the free". Where people can create art and lifestyle freely and with great expression.

Yes, this summer is going to be the summer of change. Another thing I just thought about... Jeffree Star is going to have his own reality show, also. America is more advanced than I thought! The creators of "Wife, Mom, Bounty hunter" and "Torri and Dean: Inn Love" have taken Jeffree on as their new project. I can't wait. I have been a fan of his for a while now.


So, that is what I think people!!!

NOTES TO THE READERS:::
Make sure you flip on that fucking TV and turn it to Bravo Tuesday. Tune in at 10, 9 central.
PLUS!!!!! go to Randyblue.com on tuesday and watch my video. It is sure to make your mouth water!

Randy Blue Video Debut on Tuesday, 7/10/2007

July 10th, 2007!!!
Hey guys. So, it is finally here! The video I shot with Randy Blue. I am so excited for everyone to see it. It is going to be amazing. I want you all to bombard that fucking website and watch that video! I want to know what you all think of it, also. I am so excited. I hope you are, too!!!

Blair Mason's Randy Blue Debut

Laguna Beach on 4th of July

So. I went down to Laguna Beach for the Fourth of July and had a blast.In spite of the drunken mishaps and near drowning experiences, I had fun. We hung out on the beach on the third and then on the fourth we went back down to the beach where every fag from Los Angeles to New York was baking in the sun. I saw so man y people I had met from here or there. It was fun fun fun in the sun!!! The funnest part was watching all these stupid ass queens get plowed over by the surf. Granted, one of those stupid ass queens was me a few times. Nevertheless, it was still fucking hilarious. So, by the time I got sober enough to walk back to the car and go back to the house, i was exhausted and didn't want to do anything but sleep. I got a great tan. Didn't see any fireworks, but I got a great tan! Haha. So, tonight my friend and I are hitting up Tigerheat before I take off back to Vegas tomorrow afternoon. I must say, this was a much needed vacation from Sin City. It is funny. Now that I live there, everyone seems to go there for vacation. I try and get out of there as much as possible. Not that the lights and glamour aren't amazing, but Las Vegas is not someplace that is super trendy. I feel like I am a super trendy guy and Los Angeles is the place to be for me. I love it here. Everyone keeps telling me to move here. I don't know. I think I will someday very soon, but for now, Las Vegas is just starting to feel like home. We will see. Until then, I will keep coming to LA and having amazing memories and stories to tell. I am going to take pictures tonight. Or, maybe I will just follow the photographer around and make him take pictures of me. Tigerheat has a website, they post all the pictures up there. So, since I am in love with the camera and the camera loves me, I think I will let it do all the work and I will just look cute and adorable. Hehe. Peace!!! Tell me some of your Fourth of Jul stories. email me at blairxblair@aol.com I love hearing stories. I might post some. MUAHZIES!!!!

I am such a ditz!!! / Limitless ATM

So, I woke up this morning and got ready for my trip to LA. I got all packed up all I had to do was run down to the bank and take out the rest of my rent money. I got down there and everything was fine. I took out my cash, got my receipt and then my phone rang. It was my friend. He called to tell me he was waiting outside my house. I was flustered because I felt bad that he would have to wait for me to ride my happy ass back to the house. I got so wired up with anxiety that I forgot the last step in the ATM process... TO HIT THE RETURN CARD BUTTON!!!! Wow. I am dumb. So, I didn't even realize this until I was about to buy a book in the bookstore. I was just about to get the book and I looked in my wallet and my card was gone! I was like, "SHIT! SHIT FUCKING SHIT!!!"... the sales clerk, a gentle old man said, in a kind voice yet hinting-towards-condescending-sarcasm voice, "Did you forget something?"... "I'm such an idiot! YES! I left my card in the ATM!"..."I guess you're not getting the book?"..."No. Sorry".

These are the moments in my life when I am grateful the universe has stirred up the mediocre, and just a tad bit disappointed that it wasn't in a more joyful manner. I surprise myself everyday. Sometimes for the good. Sometimes for the bad. Sometimes for just the pure comedy that I need to kick start my day.

I have a piping question that just came to me. What would you do if you had an ATM card with no limit on it? What if when you used this card it drew out from the supply of the entire universe? What would you do? Would you change your life? Would you change the world? Would you change the galaxy? Would you change the universe? I want people to think about this. I want you to think about this. Money is only an imaginary concept. There is no limit to how much money we can have or make. We are all one on this earth. Why then is it a necessity to need money to save ourselves? We need money to feed ourselves while others starve. There is no limit to food. We need money to come up with cures for disease. There is no limit to money and yet we are limiting ourselves by requiring it to help ourselves. It makes no bit of sense to me at all. Why can't human kind find a reasonable solution to our problems without limiting ourselves in the process? It is kind of upsetting to think about. And, it is also exciting to think about. If people could completely wrap their minds around this concept, our world would surely be a more perfect place to live. Animals do not limit their kingdom by creating pyramids of power. They know no reason to limit their food supply, limit their solutions for evolution, or limit themselves in their living situations. Why are we, the most advanced beings the world has ever seen, not advanced enough to simplify life for ourselves? We purposely make life difficult for ourselves and everyone under, above, and around us. We only live for a short time. Everyone knows this and yet we make life a pandemonium of hurt and despair, convincing babies and children that happiness is deserved, bought, or given to you. We have been conditioned to think that joy, security, happiness and wellbeing is something we have to work for. Happiness is not a privilege, people. It is a basic human right. Well being has no place in the realm of opportunity or possibility based on your own meager merit. It is something we are born to have and achieve at all cost. That cost should be low and easy to attain. Society has tainted that also, telling us that well being is only for those who work their ass off and sacrifice a little more than they are willing to sacrifice. This entire concept is absolute ludicrous. I don't know where living became something one had to pay for. I don't know why this fault in human history took place. I guess greed got the best of someone one day and he passed on his way of thinking down the ages until now, where we are, limiting ourselves for the sake of capitalism. We are here to create. We are little gods. What on earth are we creating here? A place to harvest pain and guilt and pressure and despair along with greed, lust, anxiety and morbid death. I wish that someone would here my words and think. If you just but think about these concepts I am pointing out to you, the revolution will begin. It is my hope.

Sorry if that was too deep, but sometimes I can't help but share my deep thoughts and feelings with you all. I know you all appreciate it and that is why I will continue to do so. Thank you. Now, go and THINK!!

Because it was Regina, it made it ok

So, I love to sing. I know, shocking thought, right?! Anyone who knows me knows that singing is one of the things you couldn't make me quit doing even if it meant I would sit in jail forever for doing it. This morning was a manifestation of this love of mine. I was very busy doing random, yet vald and important things and I needed something to keep my right brain happy while my left brain was hard at work. Or is it the other way around? I can't recall at the moment it is 1:37am. Be thankful I am taking the time to post this nonsense. Just kidding. Any hoot. I was in the mood for something saultry yet bitter yet sweet yet suttle. I was in the mood for Regina Spektor. I started with the stecatto strings of Fidelity and didn't stop singing my lungs out until the sweet piano and music box of 20 Years of Snow. Tonight before I went in the shower my roommate said, "Were you jamming out to some Regina Spektor this morning? I had to close my door because you were singin so loud, then I realized it was Regina, and it made it all ok". I thought it was cute that a butch straight man would be so eager to tell me about his love for Regina Spektor, a mellow singer whose songs make a tiny bit of sense when they aren't about chopping of Samson's hair or carrying on about all of those "That Times" we are all to familiar about. Speaking of which, I am off to make some "that times" tomorrow. Maybe I will write a song about it like miss Regina did. Anyway, if you have never heard her before here is a little sampler for you. Enjoy!!!

That is such a fun song it reminds me of summer time and making memories with friends.

This is the most beautiful love song I have ever heard in my life. I remember having relationships that I had to keep secret. They soon died and nobody even knew how happy it was or ould have been. Nobody ever mentioned it and all I have are the memories from it. This song relates to me so much.