Because it was Regina, it made it ok

So, I love to sing. I know, shocking thought, right?! Anyone who knows me knows that singing is one of the things you couldn't make me quit doing even if it meant I would sit in jail forever for doing it. This morning was a manifestation of this love of mine. I was very busy doing random, yet vald and important things and I needed something to keep my right brain happy while my left brain was hard at work. Or is it the other way around? I can't recall at the moment it is 1:37am. Be thankful I am taking the time to post this nonsense. Just kidding. Any hoot. I was in the mood for something saultry yet bitter yet sweet yet suttle. I was in the mood for Regina Spektor. I started with the stecatto strings of Fidelity and didn't stop singing my lungs out until the sweet piano and music box of 20 Years of Snow. Tonight before I went in the shower my roommate said, "Were you jamming out to some Regina Spektor this morning? I had to close my door because you were singin so loud, then I realized it was Regina, and it made it all ok". I thought it was cute that a butch straight man would be so eager to tell me about his love for Regina Spektor, a mellow singer whose songs make a tiny bit of sense when they aren't about chopping of Samson's hair or carrying on about all of those "That Times" we are all to familiar about. Speaking of which, I am off to make some "that times" tomorrow. Maybe I will write a song about it like miss Regina did. Anyway, if you have never heard her before here is a little sampler for you. Enjoy!!!

That is such a fun song it reminds me of summer time and making memories with friends.

This is the most beautiful love song I have ever heard in my life. I remember having relationships that I had to keep secret. They soon died and nobody even knew how happy it was or ould have been. Nobody ever mentioned it and all I have are the memories from it. This song relates to me so much.

4th of July Plans

So, I am coming to realize this is maybe going to be a milestone marker in my life: 4th of July, 2007. I have accomplished so much in the last year. I remember telling all of my friends last year on fourth of july that I would be in LA soon and that I would be living my dreams by this time next year. Well, here I am and I made it happen. I am so proud of how far I have come from corn fields and small towns. this year I am going to be in Los Angeles for the fourth of July. I am so excited. I was worried I was going to have to spend it by my lonesome, but thank god for friends. I am excited. I will take some pictures of the fireworks display, whichever one we happen to go to. So, that is about it!! Peace!!

One has to do what one has to do.

So. As you all know, I am pretty new to the whole adult star scene. I am trying to build my name and status up just like the next guy. I know that some may look at me and think I have a glamorous life. I do, but it isn't the kind of glamour one may envision. I am going to tell you all a secret. Well, I suppose it isn't a secret after I tell you. Here goes. I have been working at a grocery store for about a week. The only reason I took the job was so that I could occupy my time and have some extra cash coming in. I hated working there. I say hate in the past tesne because today I quit. Yes. This is the first time ever that I have quit a job without having another one lined up already. I hated working there. I was a courtesy clerk and all I did everyday was bag groceries, sweep the store, take in carts and stupid shit like that. I am 19 fucking years old. I do not need that. I can and ill find something more fun to occupy my time with. I have been thinking about starting a band and starting to paint again. I could make ill money from painting. I am really good. So, the reason I am telling you all this is because I have a special purpose for it. I always have a hidden agenda when I am posting these entrees. Sometimes I want to share what I learned. Sometimes I want to make you think. Today though, I want to give advice. Life is so fucking short, right? The time we are alotted on this planet is so minimal. We only have a few short years to make an impact on this planet and on human kind as a whole. Working at a dead end job is not an option for people who have big plans. You don't have to put up with it. You can find any kind of job that you want. You do not have to settle for a shitty minimum wage job that you hate. I have come to realize that if we only have so much time on this earth, I want to make the most of it. Always. There is no such thing as temporary for me anymore. I will not; I refuse to settle because, "Oh, well... it's just tempoerary". Temporary is a myth. All that word means is that you are being lazy and stopping for a break in the middle of the journey. You have someplace to be! You or I do not have time to take breaks or rest. I have something amazing and huge to achieve. Nothing is going to slow me down. I must always puh forward. Working at a grocery store is not going to do that for me. I don't think of it so much as quitting as I do getting out of a firey furnace that was burning me to ashes day by day. I escaped, I didn't quit. Quitting infers that there was a goal in mind that you gave up on. What was my goal at the store? Nothing. I had no goals there. I didn't care about the store or how it looked. I didn't benifit at all from working there except maybe that I learned this profound lesson about life being too short to be mundane and pointless. So. My advice to you who are doing something you hate and know that you need to move on: do it! Move on while you still can. You are not a bad person for following your heart and dreams. When you do, everything will work out in the end. Think of it as letting go so you can grab on to what you really want.

Things I miss. Like the desert misses the rain.

Ok. So Las Vegas isn’t a tropical oasis of plenty. Where I am from there was more than enough water so that we could have water balloon fights and play in the sprinkler when it was hot outside. Here in Las Vegas we do not waste water. Another thing I miss is Vernor's. All it is is Ginger Ale. But, it is so sweet and delicious. It is good with vanilla ice cream blended together. It is quite embarassing when I go someplace and eat and ask if they have Vernors and they ask "What the hell is that?". Then I say with my deer-in-headlights look,"It is a kind of POP!". Then they ask me again, even more dumbfounded," And what in the world is pop?"

See, living in Las Vegas is like living in a foreign country for me. I am from the north and everything is so different up there. I did not realize this, but people from Michigan have accents. I don't think I have a srong one, but when I went home it became apparant to me that people there really do have an accent. It was strange.

Another thing I kind of miss about Michigan are the lakes. I love to swim. Going to the beach was my favorite thing to do. Now, here in Las Vegas the only lake we have is Lake Mead. It scares me to go because I would get all burnt from the su and probably get skin cancer. That is not attractive. So, I stay inside most of the day and try and kep cool. Plus, I have no pool in the back which really sucks ass. I really hate where I am living right now. I live in this huge house with roommates. I don't know half of them and they always steal my plates and spoons and drink my ginger ale. GRR!! I can't tan outside either. Not that I would dare take the risk here, but it is something I liked to do.

So. Being in Las Vegas is a strange transition from living in Michigan my entire life. I do not miss Michigan at all, just a few things that are in Michigan.

I do miss the rain.

Movies... Shortbus

So! Being the weirdo that I claim to be with every ounce of pride and dignity I have, yet again, added a new oddball treasure to my trunk. Shortbus a film by John Cameron, is that treasure.

ABOUT THE FILM

John Cameron Mitchell’s SHORTBUS explores the lives of several emotionally challenged characters as they navigate the comic and tragic intersections between love and sex in and around a modern-day underground salon. A sex therapist who has never had an orgasm, a dominatrix who is unable to connect, a gay couple who are deciding whether to open up their relationship, and the people who weave in and out of their lives, all converge on a weekly gathering called Shortbus: a mad nexus of art, music, politics and polysexual carnality. Set in a post-9/11, Bush-exhausted New York City, SHORTBUS tells its story with sexual frankness, suggesting new ways to reconcile questions of the mind, pleasures of the flesh and imperatives of the heart. ::{From the official website}::

What did I think of the movie? I thought it was heart invoking. I honestly saw past the erections and tits and saw the deeper meaning that echoed throughout the entire film. It made me realize a few things about myself that I had not known. One of which happens to be just how uptight I had grown up to be about sex. It is just sex, people. I do not understand why such a beautiful and all-be-it necessary facet of human kind has been tainted and trashed and turned into tabboo. It took me a long time to be able to trust someone enough to let them give me an orgasm. It wasn't until I started turning sex into a fun game that is lighthearted and inocent that I began to open up and express myself to my full potential sexually. When I first started having sex I thought I was a slut. Granted, I flaunted my slutiness like a rainbow flag at a gay pride parade, but nonetheless, it was still tabboo in my mind. I could talk about it, sing about it, think about it and read and write about it. But, when it came down to that pivitol moment when I was to surrender and have fun, I turned it into a chore. I made it into an overwhelmingly emotional experience. Sex has to have some emotion, yes, but I had it all messed up. I always acted like I was at a funeral or that it was the last fuck I would ever have, like a last meal for prison inmates on death row. I felt like a prisoner, a criminal. Then, magically someone along the road taught me that sex was not an emotional tug of war or a race to the finish line. They tought me that sex is a playful, childlike dance between two people that love each other. Now, the type of love I am referring to is the kind of love that we all share as part of a global society. Sex is something shared between people who love each other because they are there, together, as people of the earth basically. You have love for your own kind is what I am saying and in sex, that love is intesified and able to be expressed through a very good receptical act.

In this movie a sex therapist is having issues with her climax capabilities. More specifically, her lack of those capabilities. I began to relate to her as soon as I found out what she was trying to overcome. See... an orgasm is a very delicate plant. You want to be gentle with it at first. You want to water it a little bit and touch it softly. You need to give it a chance to let it grow. You cannot chop it off and build a log cabin out of it in the beginning. You are just going to realize you killed a perfectly healthy and beautiful potential and need to start all over again. Sexual experimentation is the only way to help your tree grow tall and strong. It is all about progress and development. I used to be so timid about sex that it would take me hours to get off. Now I can spray myself in the face on command. Sorry to be so exclicit. But did you forget whose blog you are reading?

Needless to say, I related to the latter character. The others I didn't so much. Not that I couldn't learn from them or understand(somewhat.. most of what... a little what) what was going on, but I could not place myself in the others' shoes and feel like they were my own. I couldn't realate to the gay couple or the gay model. I think that is just a slap in the face for stereotypes. Sorry, off on a trailing thought for a moment. I'm back now. So, this film really touched me. Or did I touch myself? Or did a buddy touch me? Or did he touch himself? What was I talking about? Oh yes! I am an emotional sponge. I soak up whatever people are throwing out there and it becomes me for a while until someone squeezes me the right way and it all seeps out. Maybe that conjured up some awful images. Maybe some pleasure invoking ones. I don't know. Either way, this is the seepage. I soaked up every drop of this film and in the following few days I will be thinking about it and projecting the ambience of it. Hopefully it doesn't get me into too much trouble.( haha )

So. There was my shortanalysis of Shortbus. I hope you enjoyed it as much as I did! If you have not seen this yet, go buy it. You cannot rent it anywhere I don't think and there are no freeby sites that is has leaked to. So, go ahead, be old fashioned just this once. It is so worth it! :::Buy, watch and enjoy:::

New site going up!!!

Hey guys and gals. Sometime in the very near future I am going to have my personal website up. I cannot wait for you all to see it. It will be very intricate and very modern. I am going to be in the creative process for a few days or weeks and it should be launched by mid-july at the earliest. Beginning of August at the very latest. So... I will surely let you know when all of this conspires. I will still keep this going on a regular basis, too.

PEACE!!!

Love,B

Rethinking my views.

So, It has been a little while since talking about my stance on testing in the industry. The reason being is that I am having one reality check after another. I feel like I need to be honest here, in my diary as it is, about how I feel and what I am thinking regardless if I have to explain myself later. Now is the time when I have to explain myself. I have said time and time again that I will only work for studios who test their models. I want to clear this up right now before some of you call me a hypocrite. I recently, as I said, shot a movie with Channel 1 Releasing. They do not require test results from their models and this made me nervous and reluctant at first about working with them. I talked with Chi Chi Larue and she said something to me that made me stop and think about my stand. She told me that I have to concider everyone I work with to be positive. Using a condom is the safest way to ensure my safety. HIV tests, as I have come to find out, are not 100% accurate in detecting the virus if it is dormant or contracted recently. By recently I am talking about a six month period. This is to say that you cannot trust a test result. Having sex with a condom eliminates some worry and angst. Yes, condoms break. Yes, condoms can be faulty. But, they are the first and most important safety measure one can take working in the adult industry. The thing I need to do as a responsible adult actor is to make sure that I get tested on my own in a scheduled manner. I personally get tested every 60 days regardless if I know I have an upoming job or not. That is what I need to do to take responsible measures towards ensuring the safest possible work environment for my fellow co-actors as well as a healthy life for myself.

I will say this right here and now. I do not believe in being political. I do not believe that keeping everyone in the dark about your knowledge, shortcomings, progress and whatever other basic human characteristic you tend to project to the world. I am honest and forthright. I have learned new things and changed my personal views about a very serious issue. This does not make me a hypocrite. This makes me a student of life. If you cannot learn and be taught, then frankly, you are useless to society and to yourself. I am learning new things each and every waking moment of my life. This is my diary; my space to share what I have learned or unlearned. This is more than a blog. This is a place where you can know who I am. I want to reach out to you and pull you into my intricate world. We are all connected, so I have nothing to hide here. Welcome to my Diary.

Fischerspooner

So. One thing I love about traveling, seeing new places, meeting new people, and discovering the world is the finding new art. I was recently introduced to this amazing band, Fischerspooner. I don't like the words strange, bizzarre, wierd, or scary when describing art. But, if anyone knows me, they know that I constantly make exceptions to my own rules if I feel it would make life easier or evolve me further. So, here is one of those times. I will call Fischerspooner bizzarre. I am careful to say they are strange. I dive deep and say blatently and joyfully that they are edgy, stylish, and blissfully abstract. What they do is they take an emotion and turn it into color, dance, costume, and style. I must say that, in my opinion their music lacks where their videos thrive. Nonetheless, they are superbly entertaining and equally bland defying. I think what turns me on most about Fischerspooner is the fact that their lead singer is hot. I am a sucker for hot boys and beautiful women. I think we all are. Why else would we all have an infatuation with Ms. Paris Hilton or Ashton Kutcher? Anyway... I never leave you in the dark about what I am really talking about... so, here they are: Fischerspooner!




I hope you all enjoy them as much as I have!!!

That's a Wrap!

So, today I finished the diologue scenes. It was fun. I got all dressed up like a punk and then I dressed up as a baseball player. I felt so fucking sexy. So, This shoot was so fun. There were so many cool people on set. The boys I worked with were some of the most beautiful boys I have ever worked with. I have so many great memories to take with me. Some of which include the numerous nicknames I had on set. Most of them were because of my crazy hair. I was called Prince Charming, Sanjaya, Sex God, Nipples... hmm.. I think that is it. The last two names came from our fabulous make-up artist, Mona. She is so fun and we had so much fun on set. Well, here is a picture of my hair today. This is why they were calling me sanjaya...

I had so much fun. The movie is set to release in a few month's time. I will let you all know when it does release so you can all go out and get your fix. To everyone at Channel 1 Releasing, thank you. Doug Jeffries: thank you so much for the opportunity. Chi Chi Larue: you are so cool and so fun. Thanks for directing us and making it the best it could have possibly been. Miss Mona: Thanks for all the fun and thank you for doing our make-up. I appreciate it very much. To all the stars I got to work with: you guys are the best. I am so glad we got to work together and make a superbly sexy scene.



To all the readers: I will be sure and get a few pics from other people who were taking pictures behind the scenes and post them. I only had my sidekick phone with me and if any of you have one, you know they do not take good pictures. I always keep my promises. I promised pics, so you will get pics. I just want to say that you are all my biggest inspiration. I love reading your mail and comments. It seriously keeps me going. So, thankk and keep reading on and posting your comments and seding me mail. I love it and I love you.

On set...

Sorry I haven't posted anything in a couple days. Sorry I have had a lack of interesting things to talk about. Between super highs, I have those super lows where boredom and time for growth take over and I cannot talk about that, so I just post stupid shit just to keep you all alive a little bit. Anyway, I have tons to talk about now that I am working again.

Let us see here. So, as you all know, I went to Michigan for a few to visit. Well, I got a call when I was there from Doug Jeffries and he asked if I could come down to L.A. to be a part of his newest movie, Little Big Leagues 3: Bottom of the Ninth. Now, I have been dreaming of working for Chi Chi Larue and her affiliates for such a long time. When Doug called me, I didn't even have to think about it much and I scheduled my flight right away so I could be here for this movie. Chi Chi Larue directed the orgy scene which I was in. At first I was absolutely terrified because I have heard that she can be over-the-top. I came to find out that all over-the-top meant was that she directed in an exciting way. I love taking orders from people when I have no clue what to do. Let's face it, when it comes to sex: everyone is looking for something different. When filming a sex scene, I have no clue what the producer is looking for unless the director tells me. So, I must say that filming with Doug and Ms. Larue has been, so far, the best experience on set I have ever had.

I seriously cannot wait until it releases. I have never had an orgy before in film or in "real life". I think it was super fun and it was probably the hottest thing I have ever done. Seriously, I am going to have wet dreams about this for weeks to come. No pun intended.

So, I am really excited you guys. I hope you all are anticipating seeing this one. Tomorrow we are filming diologue and I am going to take some behind the scenes pics and tell you about all the funny stuff that happened on set. I'm not going to incriminate anyone that was there or anything like that, so don't worry. Nobody did anything superbly embarassing, well... I did some embarassing shit, but I will tell you all tomorrow night. Until then, peace bitches!!!

I want to go to Saugatuck!!!

So, I heard today that Sagatuck is having gay pride in july. This is in Michigan, where I was born and raised. I really have this burning desire to go, but unfortunately my funds are kind of tight right now as I am looking for a new car and finding a new place to live and paying off my credit card and all that happy shit. I really want to go and if someone would be kind enough to pay my way, I would be so happy. I usually don't get all verklempt over things like this, but I feel that the universe is drawing me in. Maybe it is because I never knew that Sagatuck existed until today and want to pay homage since I feel bad about never going there for living there my entire life. Maybe it is because I feel like Michigan is MY territory and I need to claim it. Maybe I just don't want to fucking miss pride this year and Sagatuck will be the only place I can have my friends from the west coast and my friends from the east in one area on one day all to myself!!! Anyway, if someone could get me there, I would die of joy. MUAH!!! I know someone will pull through for me. I know how much you all love me so much!!!(*Half sarcastic, half hoping it is true*)

My Humps.... the Ballad?

OK! So, I know that no more than 20 minutes ago I made an entree.. BUT.. I just saw this video and I thought it would lighten the mood after reading the previous entree about my wacko mother. CHEERS!!!

Home again.... OH NO!!!!

So! My little sister graduated from high school and I traveled up to michigan for her party. All I can say is that it doesn't matter how far you come or how far you go, your family members will always look at you like a child. Other than the party being a great success, my family wasn't all too thrilled to see me. Even though I hav been away from my mother for over half a year, she didn't seem to be too excited to see me. Right now I am chilling at my best friend's house. This morning I was getting ready to go and I was trying to delay as much as possible because, quite honestly, I let my mother get to me and make me feel guilty ergo: I left her and moved to vegas. I tryed to delay as much as I could, but she was adament about making me leave. She practically pushed me out of the door with my bag of soaking wet laundry. She couldn't even wait for me to dry my clothes. Oh well, C'est La Vie. This just means that I don't have to come back for a couple years. Obviously, I thought that visiting after seven months was far too late, but apparantly I could have held out on my family for a few more months! HAHA! Oh well. I was glad to see them anyway. My sister is so pretty now. I am so proud of her. She is back to her old self again. She used to be a Jesus fanatic. Not that there is anything wrong with being dovout with your beliefs, but she changed completely and she was no fun. Now we can laugh and vent to each other about things and we aren't so detached anymore. So, that makes me happy. Now I am hanging with my friends and I didn'
t even realize how much I loved and missed them until I hung out with them today. I can depend on these people more than I could my own family members and I feel bad that I could only take one day out of this trip to see them. But, I am coming back for pride in Saugatuck, Michigan. I never even have heard of this place before, but someone told me about it. I was sad I might have not been able to go to gay pride this year, but it is looking like I am going to go after all!! YAY!! Plus it will be with my best friends in the whole world! So, that is where I have been lately. Visiting the devil and my friends in sweet home. I appreciate all the comments and emails since I have been able to ge on the net. I love all of you and I am super happy I am going back to Las Vegas. I miss the desert!!! Hahaha.

New interview on PC!

I recently finished an online interview for Porn Confidential. If you ever wanted to know some deep, dark secrets of mine, you will find them in that interview.

Thanks for all the love and support from everyone who helps keep me going everyday.

MUAH!!

My favorite scene from "Knocked Up"

So, I don't know if it was because I was three sheets to the wind when I watched this that it was so fucking histerical, but I have a feeling that you all will enjoy it,too. Sober or tanked!

Merry Christmas!!

Blair's Favorite quotes from "KNocked Up"

"Do you ever get mad when the baby steals your food, like 'Hey! That's mine!'... but since you're family, you share right?"



"Hey, dude. Stay here... your face looks like a vagina"



"Wanna, like, trade boyfriends?!"



"Last time I went to the bathroom I took a shit and my shit looked like a fucking stuffed animal!!!"