Emotions Shortcircuit..

There is something I did not mention about shooting porn that I think people should know if they have not been around it or know what it's all about. Emotions are involved when having sex. Not just love emotions. Most people think that because you are having sex with a stranger, there may be room or risk for love... there are much stronger emotions and feelings than love when on set. One of those happens to be vulnerability. When you are putting yourself out there, nude, fucking someone you do not know, you will without a doubt run into feelings of vulnerability and sometimes insecurity. I usually can get past all of that if the scene only lasts a few minutes to a couple hours... here is the thing, I have had three days of shooting 3-4 hour scenes. For all of them I was cold, with someone I didn't know, tired, and stressed. I am now paying for my lack of emotional support from anyone. I have hit an emotional wall now and I am on the verge of a breakdown. I have been stuck in a house for two days, around the same people. I do have friends on set, and it does help tremendously to be able to talk and cuddle with the guys. It is almost good enough... but not quite. I am really in a delicate position right now in life and these past few days have not helped in the least bit. I like to portay myself as a big, strong, egotistical, tuff guy. Right now my shell has broken. If anyone wanted to get to know the real me without my ficade, now would be an amazing opportunity to do so. I feel like a child. I feel like I don't know anything. I feel very very vulnerable. I just can't wait until this chapter of my life is finally closed. I know that this is almost over. I am moving on to bigger, better, more prosperous events and people. But at this hour in life, I am holding back the tears and pushing through. That is life. After winter must come spring... I can see the sun breaking down these walls of snow.. I am very optimistic and hopeful. Sometimes I need times like this to make me stronger... and I am grateful for this. Though it hurts very much.