Banishing Negetivity...

I am quite an emotional person. I have alot of self-hatred and angst about loving myself. I grew up not having things because I was told that cheap is good. People who bought nice things were "snudes". I grew up thinking that I did not deserve anything nice. Not nice people. Not nice things. Not nice places. I was brainwashed to think that I deserved ugly, nasty people in my life. I had to buy everything cheap. That traveling to different places was silly, childish and selfish. Now, The thing that I realized a long time ago before the brainwashing became perminant is this: you cannot give if you have nothing of yourself to give. How can you be grateful for the nothingness that you give yourself? I was brought up with this mindset "Humble and meek. That is what is noble". That is what is wrong with America. Hillbilly people telling their kids that success is for the enemy. Telling their kids that the government is comprised of a bunch of pigs. This, my friends, is what is wrong with America. The Bush didn't screw us up. All he did was show us just how screwed up we really are. Anyway, back on subject here. That was my mindset growing up. Until recently I didn't let one hillbilly thought cross my mind. Today it all came back to me. Partly because my mother called. Partly because I had an awful crazy dream. Mostly because right now I am living like a damn hillbilly. I am makin it through just fine, but I have to watch my money. I have a few goals in mind and I would like to see them come to pass. Anyway, today I was feeling a bit depressed and what not. I was having a struggle between what my mother has said to me and what I know to be true. I went for a well-needed grocery shop and afterward I felt guilty. Feeling guilty for buying groceries comes from a place of lack and undeservedness. Both of which I do not cloud my mind with. But, today those feelings all rushed back to me and it made me miserable. I talked with a couple of my buddies and listened to this song by Kirk Franklin. The first time I had heard it was when I was moving all of my stuff out of my parents house. I had the last load in my car and was driving to the city to try and start my new life. I was feeling free and enslaved at the same time. I was free from childhood and a slave to adulthood. I was free from dependency and a slave to solitude. This song really made me cry. I cry everytime I hear it. The only time I ever listen to it is when something is going on inside of my soul that needs something inspiring to pull me out. Another thing that I didn't even remember until 2nite that really kickstarted me back into a place of peace was a video clip from Oprah. The clip is of the panel featured in "The Secret". Lisa Nichols, a motivational speaker, said something that absolutely amazed me. She said that you are the first example to the world on how to love you. This completely goes against the mindset of socity. Socity says to give, give, give until there is nothing left. How can I expect someone to love me more than I love myself? Another question Lisa asks. It is not fair and it is not realistic. I am now trying to find the little things about myself that I love. I am looking deep within and trying to find the things that I want to present to the world so that people can love me the way I love myself. This is not egotistical at all. It is self-respect. Knowing that you have nothing to give unless you give to yourself first will change your life forever if you follow by it.

VIEW THE OPRAH SHOW FEATURING THE SECRET PANEL INCLUDING LISA NICHOLS