Biggest Childhood Fear

We all had fears as children. Sure we were all afraid of monsters and villains of darkness, but we all had fears so great and so powerful that no image or story could hold them. One of those for me happened to be people finding out I was gay. Maybe this isn't a real threat to a kid who is surrounded by all different types of people who are as tolerant of sexual orientation as they are race and religion. In the hillbilly woods of Michigan, however, this was not a luxury I was blessed with. Ever since I was a toddler I was dressing myself up like a girl, pretending to be one of my sister's Barbie dolls. I remember I used to call myself "Elliot" and run around the house in an oversized t-shirt I thought resembles a dress and one of my mother's white doilies as a wig. One day my dad found me trying on one of my sister's dresses in my room. He beet me, of course and told me he wasn't going to raise a sissy boy. I am not telling you this for sympathy. I rather enjoy pain and didn't mind the bruises and much as I did the mental and emotional anguish that came along with it. I always asked my parents to beet me instead of yell at me. Back to the point. I never knew that there were people who would be accepting of my homosexuality, bi-curiousness, a-sexual behavior, or anything. I have to admit that my sexual tendencies would be hard to explain and understand. I didn't put forth the effort to try and understand or explain. I went about my life hiding this beast inside of me. I actually would blast my radio at night so that if I was having one of my erotic fantasy dreams and accidentally spoke out loud during sleep, people would hear me and know I was dreaming about penis. It was a very big fear of mine. Now that I am out and proud, I am still dealing with it. America has its own preconceived notions about how men should dress, what they should eat and drink, how they should speak, and what they should fuck. My parents were the same way. Being bisexual, I think it was easier to date girls in high school and let everyone think I was straight, including my parents. Their whole perspective changed when my mom of all people worked up the courage to ask me if I was gay. I remember it distinctly. I had just come from working at summer camp where I learned all about myself and who I was as a person. I did not have to hide anything there because everyone knew I was gay and welcomed it. When I came back home, apparently according to my stepfather, I looked real gay. My hair was blonde from being in the sun all the time, I had a pierced ear and my mannerisms changed. My mom obviously always knew as well as everyone else. When you live with someone who sings out loud to every Mariah Carey album known to man and sees him hang around a bunch of fag hags, and ONLY fag hags all through school, seeing him in the school plays, you have to start asking the questions ,"Is he gay?" and "Will I still love him if he is?". I told my mom that I was Bi, which happened to be true that day. She asked if I used protection. I said always. All of my parents( I say all because I have 5 of them) and siblings know now, and it is such a relief. My Biggest fear growing up has come to pass, and now it doesn't scare me at all anymore. Now, I can't imagine not being out. The idea of hiding my sexuality is so foreign to me now. I hope that anyone who reads this and has trouble coming out to their family to please email me. I am here for support and encouragement. Or, if you have an interesting coming out story, I would love to hear it. Or if you would like to tell me about your biggest fear as a child. I love people because they all have a story to tell. We are all in this together.