Just thinking... this could be dangerous

I have a ton to think about these days. I just got back from San Diego pride. That was an emotional rollercoaster. I am trying to get my career going in the right direction so I can make something of it. Right now I am dealing with a lot of things from my past that I never got the chance to really face head on. One of those things being the fear of poverty. I guess that is one factor in why I am doing what I am doing now. All through high school my parents instilled this fear of not having money into me. I was a kid and I wanted to just have fun. They pushed me into working at a young age, which I am looking back with gratitude because it taught me a lot. But, my parents made me pay for everything and I had to work pretty much full time. I had no life. Now I am almost stable in my finances and my parents are still struggling. I called my best friend, Eric yesterday and told him about this. He said the most amazing thing to me. "You're mom is just jealous because her ass is still stuck in Michigan and you are out doing things and making things happen and you are happy. Don't le her make you feel guilty for having money.".
That completely made me feel better. I guess I am still in the process of letting go of old, outdated values. That is just part of growing up. I still feel like a child in many ways. Perhaps if I saw a man in the mirror every morning, I would feel differently. That is very curious. I know I don't look a day over 18 and I guess people treat me like a kid because I look like one. I don't know. Perhaps that is another reason my parents aren’t super supportive about my life and the choices that I make. They still think they know best.
Another thing I am trying to deal with is this detachment from everything I used to know. I mean, not only have I moved half way across the country, but my family has changed so much. I have no idea why all these memories keep popping up about my childhood. I keep hearing music, or watching movies, or eating certain foods, or even just having random thoughts that remind me of what used to be and never will be again. I guess that is the hardest part of growing up. Everything loses the magic it once had. I never get scared from scary movies anymore. Ice cream doesn't taste as amazing as it used to. The thought of running through the sprinkler in my gym shorts seems like a silly waste of time. Even music sounds all the same to me.
I remember going to the club for my first time. It must have been the most amazing experience of my entire life. I was with my old group of friends and we all got drunk on the 2 hour ride down. I remember thinking how fun it was to be gay. At that point in my life I was still caught up in the newness of coming out. I had been sheltered my whole life. I had only kissed one person. I never had sex. I was still fresh to the whole scene. Even calling Eric reminded me of what used to be. That group of friends fell apart.
Basically I am waiting for someone to tell me that everything horrible that happened in my life has its purpose. I am waiting for an epiphany. I am waiting. Seriously, life is a crazy bitch. I don't know why everything I try ad keep together falls apart. In retrospect, I suppose I bring it on myself. I love change. I don't like mundane. I do hate things to stay the same. What I don't realize most of the time is that I am going to regret letting these things go. I can't go back and have my family put back together. I can't go back and bring all my friends together. I can’t go back to high school and change that experience. All I can do is create the life I want right now.
I am working towards getting myself in a position to do everything I ever dreamed about doing. Slowly it is all coming to a head and things are picking up, but meanwhile I keep thinking about the past. I guess there is one sliver lining around this could: I can learn from it. I can learn from my parents what NOT to do with money. I can learn from my family that if I should have children to make their childhood something they can look back on with joy instead of regret that the shortest period in their life was not all it could have been. I can learn from my old relationships falling apart that the only thing you can do is make as many good memories from the relationships that you have. Memories are the only thing we have to connect us to the past. I am learning as I type these words that I need to make lasting memories right now. I don't want to regret not making the most of this point in my life. So, that is what I am going to do. I am going to make it my goal to just make memories. Granted, I am going to still take care of responsibilities, but the ones I have right now will not be the same in a few months. They never are. So, memories are my main priority right now. From now on.